Bit By Bit*

Personal truth,personal hope,personal feeling,personal cope.Personal ways,on personal days,all that is lost,just cannot be saved.Broken dreams on broken ties,broken spirits on broken lies,mismatched stories,all that gleam,whispered voices in my dream.All love finds,a safe place to hide,never again,will my true heart I find.*Charlie*

Quote Thought*

Time itself doesn't erase the pain,you have to work at it over time.-Celeste

Green-Eyed Monster

The green-eyed monster,stares at me,magestic as ever,so full of esteem.I honor the presence,of aweful deciet,as the green eyed monster approaches in my sleep.Filled with rage,as the eyes carress me,my raw,naked,open soul.I have no privacy,everything I have,the green-eyed monster takes,I lose it forever more.Innocence,trust,faith and hope,losing yourself in the eyes of her soul-empty to fill,open and full,give me a lifetime,of what you have killed.

Mind's Eye

Sometimes I'm trapped,where I can't escape,under a boulder,of time escalate.Under a bridge,inside of my mind,alone in the darkness,no more tears to cry.Did you take over me,have I been here? Why are you watching me? I have all this fear... -Celeste

A Different me

A different me,has come to be,once so full of life,is yet to feel so free.it is me,Celeste is she.How I love the control over me,my own madness,can't escape it from me,over time,as you will see,there was once a different kind of me.You will not know her,for she's mostly gone,two halves,same person,we go on,and become us strong.We adapt,as life drags on, all is done,so why can't we cry? Cry anymore,it's the way it is,why must I fight,the person I see she is.I laughed so light,I lit up the room,and pleasure from my eyes,I knew of no doom,faith,it had me,so now I know,it's weird that you say that,because I let my shelter go...

My Hurricane Katrina

Is the baby dead? The man on the t.v shook the little baby that didn't cry.I didn't know them.It was my birthday.Someone was born on 9/11.I had birthday cake.They had no water.I had life at 21.They lost their children.I had guilt.They had torture.The mother held the baby.She wouldn't let him go.Does she know that he's dead? Does she know her baby's dead? I'm not sure.I had birthday cake.They had roof-top sanctuaries.I had electric off for two weeks and no shower.They had no food and water for longer.Some died of thirst and desease.The president partied somewhere.I changed that day. It may not be related,but that's the day I began to change. My own life was crumbling away,and I tried to be apreciative of what I had,but I had already given all I had away.

A Voice For The Mentally Ill

I just want to write about mental illness for a bit since this is the whole reason for my blog.Yes,I am mentally ill,like alot of people in our world who are.Some are high funtioning,like I'm believed to be regardless of what I cannot accomplish,I accomplish ALOT with the hand that I was dealt.I've been diagnosed as having everything mental under the God-fearing sun(Christian,please don't get offended).I am luckier than most still.To have an outlet to express myself,like writing is like a whole life line given to a drowning person.I realize how fortunate I am to have this,unlike most people who share my conditions and deseases.Contrary to popular belief,most mentally ill people Do Not have a gift,knack,or talent.Most mentally ill people are the faceless thousands you never hear about.The dozens of broken,abandoned,lost,absent faces that populate our planet.They are lost,forgotton,never looked upon twice.These people are the real reflection of the mentally ill.A mentally ill person is as good as dead in some places and cultures.He/she is mocked,beaten,and abused,outcast,rejected,and wholey misunderstood,yet most do not have a voice to speak of the absurdaties committed against them.Since I do,I felt that it was only fair to create my blog and to advacate to anyone who has lost their voice.These are their words.-Celeste

The Rocking Chair

The rocking chair that rocks alone,lost in a corner,forgotton and old.Sense lost to touch,creaky and used,sitting right there,dusty and confused.No one knows of the change in the rocker,the reason it is no longer used.A plank in the bottom,right under the right,is missing a chip,once held perfectly tight,the chair,now left alone.No one rocks it,it's dusty and old.-Celeste

Writing In Mirrors

Writing in mirrors,fear and lonliness creep on by,smooth,letting go of the reflections you hold.Yourself is more than the mirror reveals,no one seems to understand how real.Writing in mirrors,on top of the world,seeing myself,is no big deal.Through my eyes,used to be hope,just getting up is something to do now.Feel inside,instead of cold dead broken things.Feel like the living is more than my dreams.-Celeste

The World

The world is often cruel,it cares not of youth,it crushes all your faith,and steal away your soul.The world is often heavy,so large on my back,I cannot find,my state of mind,there is no whole to crack.I cannot feel for broken eyes,lost in spirits,I cannot find,smile so fake,I can't be here,alone inside,with no place to go.The world is often a cruel,dark place,it tells you all these lies,the hypocrites acuse,others of being,the same fantastic line.The world is a no good place,for when you are,it shakes again,then you realize it'll never be safe.No perfect place to sit and be.Lonlyness in a world full of beings.-Celeste

Can't Come Out

Split,cracked,broken inside,fed to the top,hated,despised.Lonly alone,fed up with the lies.Broken down demon spirit,full of heartless cries.Cracked,forever broken,in tangles I become,shameless in notions,cut deeply like a knife,mabe it's better,if we don't feel at all,never repaired from a broken spirit fall.-Celeste

Guilt and blame

I did it,that is sure.I did it,now I'm here.At the pit of guilty,honest,youth.At the bottom,I found the truth.I did it,too,it is the rest,put the demons to the test.Cannot figure,what moves me now,fear is all,I'm feeling now.Pave my path,and find my road,no body knows,of the things I've done...*Charlie*

*PLEASE NOTE*

Now,I have been reading this book by Rosie O'Donnell within the past few days,called "Find me". the really strange thing about all of this is that I wrote most of my posts before reading the book,yet they seem to match alot of what is written in the book,uncanny and similer.I have NO connections to this book legally,literally,or morally.I only offered a clear depictment of my own life in account of what my OWN experiences have been thus far in a abstact sort of puzzle-pieces way.In no way do I claim,copy,or Apire after this,or any other book written by other persons.Please note that I picked up this book at a local antique shop in the used books section.I've published my posts BEFORE Even Cracking it,and feel a duty to inform my readers of this.My life story is genuine,and as the old saying goes "You can't make this stuff up".Well,mabe you can,but I'm not.thanks.-Celeste

This is an excert taken from a book called "Find Me" by Rosie O'Donnell

Spingles;spine tingles.Twin brothers both survive a house of horrors,a cold cruel childhood full of beatings and bruises.A hurtful hate-filled past that tore them apart inside,and from each other.One brother goes on to be the CEO of a fortune 500 company.He does not see or think of his family of origin.He has created a new life,with a loving wife and happy children.A life rife with hope and health.His twin,however,has not been as luckey.He is in jail on death row.His last wish is to see his twin once more.Through a thick Plexiglas barrier,over cracking phone lines,the brothers stare at each other.Silence.A guard taps the prisoner on the shoulder,telling him visiting hour is almost over.the convicted man looks across the scratched window and sees his own face in a buisness suit staring back at him.Finially he speaks."After all we suffered,how could you succeed?" he asks.The twin loostens his tie,takes a deep breath,and answers him, "After all we suffered,how could you not?"

This Was Written By An Author Unknown To Me Taken In Exerpt From A Book Titled:"Find Me" By Rosie O'Donnell.

All are hatched-none are born-Look the same-don't belong-Darkness lingers-beneath skin- Hallow haunted-others sins-Try to hide-runaway-Shower off-dirt and clay-Futile tries-all can see-Others who are just like we-Safe in the damp-cruel and cold-Young and scared-even when old-See and nod-in passing try-To hold a glance-with fratured eyes-Few make it out-most never do-I'm a swamp person-are you?

Beyond This Door Lies Comfort

You are scared to open,so lost and confused,beyond that face,where your soul was used.You cannot see,most of who I am,because I am scared of hurting you,too.Even though you offer your hand in support,I cannot take it,I cannot look-so far beyond of all that's real,afraid to lose,the ability to heal.You may think that you've been revealed,but lies in your mind,tell you It's not true.The world owes me nothing,as I owe the world,too,no one can save me,and I can't seem to be able to save you.Beyond the closed door,lies in wait,all of the goodness that makes me afraid.-Celeste

Face Yourself

I can't fix you,in your world all alone,haunted and screaming,insanity prone.Where do you go,when you're lost in your eyes? Is it so far away,you are trapped there inside? Come out with lies that sound better than truth,because people can't hear,of your horrible abuse,misused and scared so,they cannot see,that you are not in control of the PTSD.It's not my fault,either,for that I am sure,I did not know you when I knocked on the door.-Celeste

Inner

Inner Demons,Haunt the graves,of inner sorrows,sick-depraved.Take away,your weakness now,come to fight,begin your prowl.Don't let go,your fear's too deep-fight off suffering,Reveal in the sheep,a wayward wolf,haunting the dead,of endless torment in your head.-Celeste

I see you,too

I see you too,behind those lines,I see right through,your selfish lies,I hear your voice,beyond your words,and though you try,you sound obsurd.If you could only see,the things I see,behind your face,so close to me,then you would find,it harder to hide,your evil spirit,from truth and lies.I see you there,I know you see me,can you talk,or communicate beliefs? You do not know,just how to be,you feel threatened,'Cause the spotlight's on me.*Charlie*

The God Complex

You stand up tall,knowing nothing at all,yet you bring us down,you are so small.You can't fit in,anywhere you go,always looking around,for more harm to bring us.You are a troll,a Cloned low life of every other,you are not like us,all of the good,caring people.If birds of a feather,surely flock all together,it's a good thing that you don't stay around us for long.If you feel cracked and splentered,incomplete or torn,we do too,and have had worse for our worn.If you cannot see how it could be,so much better for you to drop the God complex,and hang out on Earth awile...please? -Celeste

Unsuspecting

Pool of water,deep blue specks of happiness,a resound soul,emptying to the depth,a trickle of bright light,down a raven,fresh innocence,new to the space around.Travel down the spiral world,before you know,demons beckon,to steal your soul away from you,taking light out of your eyes,keeping it for their own,selfish gleam,your special trust.You don't know of the soul eaters,but they know you.One look is all they need,and they all jump,so you have no chance.It's given away to one glance in your unsuspecting eyes.*Charlie*

Adversity

She said it was because I smiled,but that didn't stop me from smiling.She said that it was because I was so beautiful,but that didn't keep me from looking in the mirror.She said it was because she loved me,but that didn't stop me from knowing what real love is.She said it was because she couldn't help herself,but I've helped her on many occassions.all these lies,she spoke to me,as a child,for her pleasure,I was used to please,and all the time,I couldn't have known,all the lies she told me would make me strong.*Charlie*

Albert,He Ain't Me*

Albert and me differ on many things.Our logic is different,our quotes are different.We are not the same person.We are alike in some ways.We are both learning delayed,or in Albert's case,WAS,because Albert is dead,as some day I will be as well.I have come to realize certain other things in my life as well,thus far,for instance,I am not Emily Dickinson,or the Jewish girl who was kept in hiding for the duration of the Holocaust,I am not Helen Keller or The curer of cancer.We are different because They all 'Made It',and I didn't.Some others were discovered by accident,or a twist of faith.Some after Death,and some still,in life.Some of these individuals were able to realize their achievements before ultimate perishment. Some were not,if that is not to redundant.I am just another nobody face hidden behind Mental Illness,The uphill struggle of,like many others.I wish to be remembered,but have no clue as to how.I am no celebrity,or Nobel Prize winner,Scholar,though I DO thirst for knowledge.I am just another lonely heart trapped behind the face of Mental Illness.I want to chase my dreams,but my monsters end up chasing me instead.I want to be optimistic and hopeful,but I'm still teaching myself how.My dreams are out of reach,but that doesn't stop me from grabbing,and even though I come up empty handed,I continue to try.My hope is that someday,I am able to help others by first helping myself.I never thought That I was strong enough,but I'm fighting back now,and Mental Illness may be holding me down,but I still try to make it let me go,after all,I'm not dead yet.*Charlie*

Raw

Raw emotion,silent fear-setting in numb,blocking the tears-Feeling no emotions,letting none out,under the microscope,feeling something now. Rage and shame,boiled down-fear and agony,siiliness now. Feelings of strandedness,feeling one now-lonley abandonment,feel that way now. Take me out-this place of rest,where raw and over feelings,temper and infest-all misunderstood,I feel to bad right now-feelings under hood,suppressed,underdressed,take it all apart now. Don't you bring me back to more pain,I need to heal,I can't take the blame-life is short,for so much rain-dingy damper,I feel the shame. Don't look back...*Charlie*

Deep

Deep inside,I go to hide,I run away,from fear and lies-I tell the truth,to my starving heart,and take me apart,how I'm torn apart. Keep me ruined,around your bad,cherished me never,I am so sad-to feel no love,is a world so bad,it cannot feel,after numbing up my glad-couldn't feel pain,but couldn't feel love,took me away,to retreat from this place-want to never go back-would rather feel the pain of a thousand deaths than to starve in silence...*Charlie*

Don't judge

Don't judge me,I'm not like her,I used to be a kid when it occured-I never felt,wanted,but abused,misused,and scared. I'm not like her,I swear-people told me that somehow,I would be,but I'm not like her,I swear-just don't judge me,please,I care-you're NOT REAL to me,so don't stare. The ugliness of your words cut me DEEPLY,but I will remove the offending post from my blooger.*Charlie*

Me

(I)Finially got some sleep! 7 WHOLE hours!!! YAY! For anyone who's interested,I'm am an ethical mixter of Cajun French and Native American(Houma Indian,as the Tribe is refered to)-does anyone else get this? How about that stupid question,on every survey you fill out(or even on some forms of applications)that asks you your race,country of origin,etc.,etc. I REALLY DON'T mind answering this question,I just get sick of having to click the (OTHER) butten,then not be able to explain(everyone else gets to let people know who they are,and where they came from(Country of Origion,etc.,etc.,etc.)so,I feel,WHY CAN'T I? If you can imagine Rachael Ray(If you know what she looks like,than you can simularly picture me. Although Rachael is A mix of Cajun French and Italian,she is the closest in similarity that I can come up with that more people can understand without being able to see me(NOT getting A Web cam anytime soon,trust me!)Just thought I'd speak what I'd been thinking for the past 2 days(lack of sleep got me frizzled!) My two older sisters and I have the same 2 parents,mother and father,but I also have a younger sister,who is my half sister that is one half Cajun French,and one part black,one part Naveho Indian(WE are a very BLENDED bunch of folks,my sisters and I! That's all for now! *Charlie*

Time

I've lost track,of the days behind,insomnia took over,and I can't find-the minutes,the hours,the peace of living,I have not eaten,I'm still not hungry. I don't know why,the wind's taken over-my soul is left,with shattered dreams-emerse myself,in addictions,to escape from pain-I feel alert all days,constantly playing video games-tireless music,endless song-the internet,computer,I think I'm high strung. Tapping away,planning an escape,endless poetry,follows in my wake-I think I'm bi-polar,I think I'm sressed,neglect and starvation,is all that's left...to control my feel,to feel something at all,I cannot flee,from the clock on the wall!*Charlie* Don't look a CharlieHorse in the mouth! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Crazy

Crazy is,what crazy does,like Forrest Gump,I wait for the bus-whatever my number,I cannot see,just how harsh the world is,looking at me. Critisizing,not sympatizing,catorgorizing,so hypnatizing. What can I do,can I finially be-the perfect ideal of what it is to be free?...*Charlie*

MOMENTS: i cried to much,the tears dried up-i have none left,to fill my empty cup-life has its' grief,the misory is untold,how can i heal,from these boken open wounds? i thought i'd died,burried the ashes inside-i thought i had lost-everything of pride. what i didn't know,was of my power to survive-these tears i cry,are proof that i have tried...*Charlie*

Feel: We can make things better in the world all around us,even though there's bad,everywhere we go. I love and have feelings,even if they've numed from the pain burried so deep. The trama in my life has overcome my emotions-for some things I just don't know how to let go-my demons in my past,like alot of people,has deamed me inadequit to funtion on a level that is consistent with mainstream society. Try reading: Black Beauty,the book. It's about the life of a horse,told through the eyes of a horse-it might help to give you some insights like it helped me,and I think,we can all do with a little touch-up in the empathy department*Charlie*

Harsh World

I Don't mean to be so distant,I don't mean to be so cold,but it seems "The People" is always judging me,so where do I go? I juggle "it" in my world,I refuse to be inside theirs'. They Don't seem to wanna understand-my darkness is non-violent,but true. Blue.This Is A Poem-What I do to get me through my day.My spirit's so numb,I need an ice-pick to chip it away...-Celeste